Belated celebration

August 3, 3072
Red Dawn Base
Office of Lt. Halas

Contrary Russian! I love the man more than I can believe, but there are times I would dearly love to strangle him. First he chides me for trying to be discreet about our relationship then he almost panics when Reinstadt and Deschain see us together.

And he calls me a goofball.

But I'm getting ahead of myself.

Yesterday was the day we were finally able to coordinate our schedules so I could take him out for a very belated celebration of his birthday. Thinking to share something I enjoyed doing, I took him out for a horse riding trip. Inflicting Victor and Spyros on Major Martinette was a better idea.

Who would have thought that a man who has no problems taking a completely unfamiliar mech into the heat of battle with the Clan would be terrified of horses? Unfortunately that was something I hadn't taken into account. Though I did take into account the likelihood that he'd never ridden before.

I'll admit, watching him freak out when introduced to the very placid mare that was to be his mount was amusing. Though at the time my mortification at how things were going tied with the amusement. In all honesty, I felt sorry more for the horse than for Nicholai. Especially when he fell off after the horse stopped at his panicked clutching of the reins. Then my thickheaded beau had to prove his stubborness by insisting on continuing to ride. Apparently he didn't appreciate my offer of having him ride behind me on my horse with his on a lead.

If I didn't know better my horse was laughing at his and his kept giving me this look of "It's all your fault".

Somehow I managed to coax Nicholai into feeding his horse some treats which took the edge off his fear which made the trip back much easier.

At least lunch went well and he appreciated the gifts. Nicholai was cute when he saw the matching ashtray to the cigarette case I'd gotten him for Christmas. Apparently he did pick up on the clues I'd left to show who'd given him the case, even if he didn't say anything. Initially he gave me a scare when he said the disgusting thing he'd been using all this time was a family heirloom. After he stopped laughing at my expense he admitted he'd found it in his original office here on Outreach. How he could keep using something that revolting is beyond me.

As for the second gift... I can't say he liked it. Hell, I can't say I liked it and I made the damn thing. But he was taken by the work I'd put into it and I think I can easily say that I don't think I'll ever make anything like it again. But he had to know what I felt when I saw that Timberwolf waving the unit colors so very defiantely against the Clan assault. At the time I didn't know it was Nicholai, and I won't say my courage was failing me, but the sight did give me heart. Granted when I learned who was piloting it, I got a greater boost, but all the same... It was possibly one of the most inspiring sights I'd encountered in my life.

One I hope I never see again to echo the words of my boyfriend.

And the silly Russian thought I'd given him a sword when I first handed him the wrapped picture. Oddly enough the quote I'd chosen was from the author he did his thesis on while he was at the Goshen Academy. All I'd done was a search on a quote involving wolves with a word style that seemed to fit some of the quotes he's used in the past. It would seem this "Tolkien" has had some influence on how he sees life, perhaps I'll see if I can find any of works. After working for 2-3 months on that cross-stitch I'm going to give my eyes and hands a break. Especially seeing I desparately need to restock my supplies.

The ride back was thankfully uneventful except for all the complaints about the evilness of horses. I'm glad I didn't arrange for looking at some ranch properties. Somehow I don't think he would've enjoyed the thought of looking at potential future breeding grounds of what he termed "four footed beasts of evil".

To have a picture of my love's expression when he saw the resturant. It was even more priceless when I told him that I'd learned about it from dad. Apparently the image of my father in casual clothing instead of a suit strained his imagination.

Nicholai definitely enjoyed the food. I don't think I've seen him gorge so much, if our schedules permitted I'd take him there more often. He would definitely gain some much needed weight.

I expected the birthday cake to be dumped on my head when Amy and her staff showed up with it singing to him. While he fussed, it was fairly obvious that he was trying not to smile. Like the rest of the food, the cake was wonderful, and my stomach ached at the amount of cake Nicholai stuffed into himself ontop of the food. Still it was a wondeful sight.

Of course my father had to throw in his own little surprise, though I'm suspicious as to who let him in on the dinner plans. Still the song was lovely both in the words and the voice of the waitress who sang it. It seemed like dad had to let us know what he thought of the relationship and his hopes for it. His matchmaking is getting less and less subtle.

I do love Nicholai Kasperov and wouldn't mind our relationship becoming something more, but I don't want to rush.

After dad's surprise came another of mine.

I'd arranged with Reinstadt and Deschain to have another duet. Being the mischevious bastards they can be, they were quite happy to figuratively tweak the nose of their bossman, though Deschain had to make a comment about my forgiveness.

Between performances Nicholai paid me a compliment that will likely warm me for a long time. He called me an amazing partner. He can be such a sweetheart.

We left the resturant shortly after the captains paid their respects.

I heard a snippet of a song once, I can't remember the name or the artist, but it was about a lover with blonde hair and eyes of blue fire. That best described my beloved when I told him I loved him in my very limited and hard learned Russian vocabulary.

He showed me in other ways how he feels about me.

Happy birthday, my love, may we have many more such celebrations together.

Forgiveness

July 27, 3072
Red Dawn Base
Blackout Calvary Bravo Lance Quarters
2100 Hours

So it would seem that I am indeed capable of forgiveness. Needless to say I did talk with dad about Deschain's proposed idiocy and just as needless to say dad did agree it was a very bad idea. Only a bit more colorful. After I'd calmed down I sent a request with the good captain to discuss the matter which I hadn't received a response to when my lance and I returned from training.

We come back to find Mueller waiting for us after seeing if he could break our security with what few tools he had on him. Obviously he did and it only took him two minutes. I need to have a chat with Alex for better security.

Apparently Mueller had the same idea about weapons that Deschain did, but with a much more reasonable idea. Still dealing with shady business individuals but as a straight forward business transaction. He was most displeased about Deschain's little plan. He also warned me about letting my anger at Deschain interfer with working with him. I should have pointed out to him I have a great deal more of a reason not to work with Major Martinette, but I am and will and can do the same with Deschain. I decided it was best not to antagonize Mueller so didn't point that out to him.

Just after Mueller left I received a request from Deschain to meet with him on the balcony on the floor of the lance's quarters outside of the atrium. There he gave the best apology he said he was capable of. In that moment I realized my anger and incipient hate just left. And I remembered the ache I felt when I heard Deschain sing at Amy's and the desire to help someone who seemed hurt since I still think that the emotion in his voice wasn't pure acting.

And that was the moment I realized I could truly forgive someone. Not forget, no. Forgetting would mean that such a situation may arise again and make things worse. But to accept that someone else made a mistake that caused you pain and being able to get over it.

I accepted his apology for what he meant it as and said something that perhaps was unwarranted, but felt he should hear after he made a comment to the effect that there wasn't much room in the killer that he is. So I told him that he shouldn't limit himself which I don't think sat too well with him. I probably shouldn't have said that, but I did and I still think he needed to hear that.

Though now I wonder about this newfound capacity to forgive. If my mother truly regretted how things came to pass, could I forgive her?

Grrr part 2

July 27, 3072
Red Dawn Base
Office of Lt. Halas 1500 hours

The captain is a dead man.

Grrr

July 27, 3072
Red Dawn Quarters
Office of Lt. Halas 0900 hours

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to not kill Captain Deschain because he pissed me off.
Amen.

Hm, that didn't help as much as I'd hope. Remember, Lana, deep breaths. And don't test your live-fire rifle skills on the idiot.

While I can somewhat understand the potential need for untracable weapons in the Chaos March where our next contract is likely to be and I can even understand the need to obtain said weapons from a less than reputable person of business.

However I cannot understand, nor entirely understand, the need to have me act the part of what I hate and fear the most. He wants to arrange some idiotic game to trap some other idiot, however he wants to do it by having me do business by pretending to be a rich lyran social general that went to the Red Dawn since it was greener pastures than the Alliance. What kind of crappy thinking is that? Does he realize why I left what was supposed to be home? I am willing to do many things for this unit, but kill a significant portion of my soul as just an act... I can't do it. Not even for my lance. Not when I can't see a clear reason to do so.

So now I'm going to do something I told myself I would try not to do, but I need to and I don't think he'll mind. I'm going to ask my father for advice since I know he's at least familiar with how such operations are done. I've had some rudimentary training, but not enough to know what the best way to go is. I know Victor and Spyros are almost violently opposed to the idea, but the two of them have been acting very protective of me lately. Nicholai told me a few months back he asked Victor to act security for the lance and me in particular, but that doesn't explain Spyros. Jain was also uncomfortable with the idea, but again I don't think she has anymore experience in such matters than I.

No matter what the decision, I won't let the captain bully my people and I will make sure he is aware of that fact. If I chose to go against his plan and my people don't want to do it on their own, he will not like the results if he tries to force anyone into doing what he wants.

Welcome home

June 27, 3072
Red Dawn Barracks

So last night dad took me out to dinner and in the process show off his new toy: an aircar. I love the man dearly, but if I didn't know better I'd say he's gong through a mid-life crisis. First he goes through BA training, now an aircar...I don't want to think about what he'll come up with next.

For the most part it was a wonderful evening and gave us time to catch up on the going in one another lives since most of the unit shipped out to Lothan. He also helped me come to better terms with the events on Lothan. Yet I felt like I was dancing on knives the entire time since I never knew the next words said that would hurt one or both of us.

And it was one of the contributions to my happy little nightmare last night. No big surprise, considering the fact he said I reminded him of my mother before she turned into a Tharkad Ice Bitch. Compounded by the fact that the CO of the 2nd Calvary is a Lyran Martinette...yeah, happy dreams and the awakening of old fears.

Dammit Lana, stop doing this and don't let it keep happening. You aren't your mother.

Deep breath, Marlana, deep breath. Don't let these things get to you. Your father didn't meant to hurt you and you'll deal with the Martinette. Maybe see if you can bribe Jain into taking him out on a night on the town. A tame one, wouldn't do to cause your new CO to keel over from a heart attack. And if that doesn't work, sic Victor and Spyros on him.

Hmm, scratch the last idea, that's not a good one.

Best to let events play themselves as they will.

Though I have to say it was rather surprising to see Captains Deschain and Reichert at the resturant last night. Even more astonishing was the fact that they can apparently carry a tune. Even dad seemed surprised.

Think I might have to take Nicholai there at some point, maybe for a late birthday celebration? Should be worth it just to see his reaction. Hell, I never thought I'd like a place that was Old Earth Western. But the food was great, the atmosphere was relaxing and it was just an all around fantastic place. Pity duty called for my love, but we're making do. He seemed somewhat bemused to wake up this morning to me cooking breakfast, but he ate well enough. Should be amusing to see his reaction to having dinner ready for when he finally finishes overworking himself. Damn, if I'm not careful I'll turn into Suzy Homemaker. Ah well, it's still good to see him eating well.

It's so hard to watch the abuse he puts himself through without thinking about it, yet there's no way I can make myself want to have him change. Wanting someone to change generally means you don't want that person. A person's flaws make him up as much as his virtues. So I'll just continue to do what I can to encourage Nicholai to take better care of himself, but I won't force him.

Just hope the "little project" I've been working on for him goes over well.