Angst, angst, brooding
((Author's note: I did a few minor edits per Maelwys's suggestion.))
"They died because of you...", came Kasperov's pain filled whisper in her thoughts as Lonnie blindly thrashed her way out of nightmare filled sleep. The welcome sound of Richardson's and Victor's snores greeted her as she tried to regain control of her breathing, all too aware of the rapid pounding of her heart. Below her bunk, Jain murmured softly before sinking back into her own sleep. Realizing that she was strapped down by the webbing to keep her from drifting in the zero gee of the drop ship and not because of the nightmare that refused to dissipate upon her wakening. Realizing that sleep wouldn't be returning anytime soon she silently slid out of her bed, grabbed her noteputer, then carefully left the room in such a way as to not disturb her lancemates. Just because she had own internal demons to deal with didn't mean she had to bother the others.
At this time of night the ship was quiet due to pretty much everyone asleep for the crew running the ship so it wasn't difficult for the slim woman to find a spot to sit down to make one of her many journal entries. Her uncle was right, it wasn't healthy to hold everything inside, but neither could she bring herself to burden others with her problems. That she'd broken down the way she had first in front of Jain then her father and uncle still bothered her. And she hadn't been able to fully face the source of that breakdown until her nightmare. If she didn't get herself sorted out, she'd be of no use to her lance in a few days.
For the first time in her life she understood how people could turn to drink or drugs for solace, but she was determined not to fall into that trap.
"New journal entry."
Closing dull blue eyes bleak with grief and other emotions only just managing to keep the tears from coming out, her voice rough with emotion, Lonnie spoke softly.
"God, they're dead, all of them, except mom is uncomfirmed. The only family I have left is Dad, Uncle Billy and Alex." She paused, taking a deep breath and letting it out slowly, "Even the Maynards are gone. I'm the only living next of kin she has... God why? There was so much I wanted to talk with them about, especially Darren and Breanna..." Her shoulders slumped as she rested her face in her hands striving for control.
"My little brother and sister shouldn't have been the ones to die from violence, that was why I became a soldier, to help protect them and others like them. They w-were supposed to grow up to be something more, more than the shitty examples their parents and older sister gave them. What did they ever do to anyone? They were young and stupid, but learning... God, god. They're gone. All they ever did was be born to my mother's family."
Lonnie sniffled again, still determined not to completely breakdown the way she had.
"What sick games was my mother and her latest husband up to? How did they rope the Maynards into everyone meeting? For Fergusson to dissolve everything into a new corporate structure and put mom at the head of it... What the hell? Their marriage was nothing more th-than a business merger for either of them. I can't imagine him willing to give up everything to my mother. But he's gone too. Christ what a clusterfuck."
She swallowed the growing lump in her throat as she continued.
"According to Alex it was a precise strike by a FAE. A terrorist's weapon, what the hell were you getting involved in, mother? The strongest possiblities are the most chilling, someone's intel agency, either external or internal that did this. The one that I can't believe is mom setting this up herself. I know she can be an evil bitch, but she cared for at least Breana and Darren, or as much as she's capable of caring for anyone outside of her own plans. And the others were useful to her, in her own twisted way she's loyal. Loyal to family and even to the Lyran state, if not always it's leadership."
"I just can't believe she'd just have everyone killed out of hand like that."
"And that makes me wonder how long Kasperov will keep me in the unit once the full implications of what happens sinks in. I know Uncle Billy said that my cover could have been blown at any time by the people who did this, but I can't help but wonder how long it'll be before they come for me. I...I don't want to risk anything happening to the Red Dawn because of me, not just because of the last of my family. But Bravo Lance has become important, and not just them, but also the folks in the BA, Captain Mueller and Captain Dante... Then there's Nicholai. God, I'm such an idiot. Falling for my commander... No, I can't and won't let anything happen to them because of me, because of my running from my mother."
She leaned against the wall, her chest aching from the heavy emptiness of her grief and regrets, blue eyes bright with unshed tears.
"I know that 'if only' is a poisonous phrase, but I still can't help but think 'If only I hadn't run' or 'If only I'd tried to reason with mother instead of being a rebellious little bitch'..."
Another deep breath taken and let out as eyes close against the tears once more.
"That combined with my fears for the upcoming mission... no wonder I'm having nightmares. Not to mention wondering what Dad and Uncle Billy are hiding for Kasperov about the source of funding for the unit when I raised the concerns mentioned by Jain's friend."
Angrily she scrubbed at the tears that were starting to trickle despite everything she could do to hold them back.
"Christ, what are you getting into yourself, Jain? I-I know that they said what she did was common to covert work, but something still seems.... offkilter. I need to talk with Jain more about that woman, see if she knows anything more than her being from the MRBC. I-if she's even MRBC."
Lonnie rubbed her eyes roughly with the heel of her palm, "Most importantly I need to get a grip on myself."
"This shouldn't hurt so much..."
"End, end journal entry."
Unable to hold it in anymore, she curled up into a ball and began to cry quietly with broken sobs, not realizing, nor caring, that her tears began to drift around her in the lack of gravity.
"They died because of you...", came Kasperov's pain filled whisper in her thoughts as Lonnie blindly thrashed her way out of nightmare filled sleep. The welcome sound of Richardson's and Victor's snores greeted her as she tried to regain control of her breathing, all too aware of the rapid pounding of her heart. Below her bunk, Jain murmured softly before sinking back into her own sleep. Realizing that she was strapped down by the webbing to keep her from drifting in the zero gee of the drop ship and not because of the nightmare that refused to dissipate upon her wakening. Realizing that sleep wouldn't be returning anytime soon she silently slid out of her bed, grabbed her noteputer, then carefully left the room in such a way as to not disturb her lancemates. Just because she had own internal demons to deal with didn't mean she had to bother the others.
At this time of night the ship was quiet due to pretty much everyone asleep for the crew running the ship so it wasn't difficult for the slim woman to find a spot to sit down to make one of her many journal entries. Her uncle was right, it wasn't healthy to hold everything inside, but neither could she bring herself to burden others with her problems. That she'd broken down the way she had first in front of Jain then her father and uncle still bothered her. And she hadn't been able to fully face the source of that breakdown until her nightmare. If she didn't get herself sorted out, she'd be of no use to her lance in a few days.
For the first time in her life she understood how people could turn to drink or drugs for solace, but she was determined not to fall into that trap.
"New journal entry."
Closing dull blue eyes bleak with grief and other emotions only just managing to keep the tears from coming out, her voice rough with emotion, Lonnie spoke softly.
"God, they're dead, all of them, except mom is uncomfirmed. The only family I have left is Dad, Uncle Billy and Alex." She paused, taking a deep breath and letting it out slowly, "Even the Maynards are gone. I'm the only living next of kin she has... God why? There was so much I wanted to talk with them about, especially Darren and Breanna..." Her shoulders slumped as she rested her face in her hands striving for control.
"My little brother and sister shouldn't have been the ones to die from violence, that was why I became a soldier, to help protect them and others like them. They w-were supposed to grow up to be something more, more than the shitty examples their parents and older sister gave them. What did they ever do to anyone? They were young and stupid, but learning... God, god. They're gone. All they ever did was be born to my mother's family."
Lonnie sniffled again, still determined not to completely breakdown the way she had.
"What sick games was my mother and her latest husband up to? How did they rope the Maynards into everyone meeting? For Fergusson to dissolve everything into a new corporate structure and put mom at the head of it... What the hell? Their marriage was nothing more th-than a business merger for either of them. I can't imagine him willing to give up everything to my mother. But he's gone too. Christ what a clusterfuck."
She swallowed the growing lump in her throat as she continued.
"According to Alex it was a precise strike by a FAE. A terrorist's weapon, what the hell were you getting involved in, mother? The strongest possiblities are the most chilling, someone's intel agency, either external or internal that did this. The one that I can't believe is mom setting this up herself. I know she can be an evil bitch, but she cared for at least Breana and Darren, or as much as she's capable of caring for anyone outside of her own plans. And the others were useful to her, in her own twisted way she's loyal. Loyal to family and even to the Lyran state, if not always it's leadership."
"I just can't believe she'd just have everyone killed out of hand like that."
"And that makes me wonder how long Kasperov will keep me in the unit once the full implications of what happens sinks in. I know Uncle Billy said that my cover could have been blown at any time by the people who did this, but I can't help but wonder how long it'll be before they come for me. I...I don't want to risk anything happening to the Red Dawn because of me, not just because of the last of my family. But Bravo Lance has become important, and not just them, but also the folks in the BA, Captain Mueller and Captain Dante... Then there's Nicholai. God, I'm such an idiot. Falling for my commander... No, I can't and won't let anything happen to them because of me, because of my running from my mother."
She leaned against the wall, her chest aching from the heavy emptiness of her grief and regrets, blue eyes bright with unshed tears.
"I know that 'if only' is a poisonous phrase, but I still can't help but think 'If only I hadn't run' or 'If only I'd tried to reason with mother instead of being a rebellious little bitch'..."
Another deep breath taken and let out as eyes close against the tears once more.
"That combined with my fears for the upcoming mission... no wonder I'm having nightmares. Not to mention wondering what Dad and Uncle Billy are hiding for Kasperov about the source of funding for the unit when I raised the concerns mentioned by Jain's friend."
Angrily she scrubbed at the tears that were starting to trickle despite everything she could do to hold them back.
"Christ, what are you getting into yourself, Jain? I-I know that they said what she did was common to covert work, but something still seems.... offkilter. I need to talk with Jain more about that woman, see if she knows anything more than her being from the MRBC. I-if she's even MRBC."
Lonnie rubbed her eyes roughly with the heel of her palm, "Most importantly I need to get a grip on myself."
"This shouldn't hurt so much..."
"End, end journal entry."
Unable to hold it in anymore, she curled up into a ball and began to cry quietly with broken sobs, not realizing, nor caring, that her tears began to drift around her in the lack of gravity.
posted by Reika at 7:58 PM
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