Contemplations

Author's note: Sorry for the lack of recent material, but I've been holding off due to getting things resolved in the game. There's still a few things to be worked out in game, but there was enough from a free form RP session with 2 of the other players and a one-on-one session with the GM to let me post. :)
3-17-05 Edit: Finally had the debrief, decided it's better to just edit this entry than create a second one.

Wearily Lonnie entered the barracks assigned to Bravo Lance, grateful that Richardson had gone off to do his own thing and that Victor and Jain hadn't returned yet. The days events had tired her out more than they should have, but then again anything involving her emotions had begun to take a harder toll on her lately than they used to. She'd never realized how difficult it would be to live as essentially two people, even if the details were close enough for her to act out the fake life.

As she put the case of Timbiqi Dark into the unit's fridge as something of a silent peace offering, the white haired woman grimaced at herself. "Feh, Dad was right, I've been wallowing in too much self-pity. I've chosen this path, now it's time for me to run on it."

After grabbing a can, she returned to the main living quarters then pulled out a small project she'd been toying with on and off since her illness. Before she was strong enough to start going through rehab she'd fretted at having nothing to do, there was only so much reading, napping and mindless holovid a normally active person could tolerate. One of the nurses finally got tired of her patient's restlessness and introduced her to counted cross-stitch to help keep her occupied. It was complicated enough to occupy Lonnie's hands and mind for hours on end even if she wasn't that good at it. Even after being discharged she continued to try her hand at it since it was a light and portable hobby.

Settling down in a chair, the mechwarrior pulled out her noteputer and placed it on the table next to her open can before picking up her project. As her needle flashed in and out of the frabic, she began to speak softly.

"New Journal Entry."

"First things first, we survived the debriefing without anyone coming to blows, can thank the Commander for that. Richardson was clearly annoyed with Jain and myself, but was civil, even after I told him my thoughts on his battlefield command. Of course my comments were only because he asked, would never had said anything without him asking. I believe in being honest to my superiors, even if they may not like it. I try to treat everyone the way I want to be treated, unfortunately that doesn't always work out too well. At least unlike past superiors, he didn't get extremely pissed, but that's probably because he was saving up all of his ire for Victor and the general bitch-out he had for the Lance. "

"Victor is an idiot, bad enough he disobeyed the Lt's orders, then to compound it by deliberately antagonizing the man? He's supposedly a professional mercenary, thus far I'm not impressed either by his attitude or his capability. Not that I'm perfect, but given more training to bring back my unused skills, I know I can shape up into being the competent individual I had been. Judging from what I can see of Jain, the same holds true for her. But the men? They need help."
She paused to take a quiet sip from the can then set it down just as silently as she'd picked it up.

"If I knew I could get away with it I'd arrange for them to have joint anger management sessions. Victor obviously has issues with an individual who wasn't in the military made his commanding officer, and Richardson doesn't like being challenged in such a manner. And quite frankly Richardson needs to work on his interpersonal skills. At this point the only reasons why I'm following his lead is the fact that Kasperov put him in charge and he obviously does know what he's doing in combat. But the temper and testosterone displayed by both men could get us all killed."

Scowling, Lonnie contemplated the early events of the day.

"I hate trying to be manipulative, but I'm going to see what I can do to try to smooth things over in this Lance. Get Victor to listen to Richardson, get Richardson to not loose his head so quickly. If he gave respect, he'll get it in return. I think I have Victor's grudging respect, so that may help, we'll have to see."

Like an unexpected ray of sunshine, a smile curved Lonnie's lips while lighting up her fact a bit.

"The commander definitely kept the debriefing from coming to blows. He even admitted he hit his CO in his first debrief. It's hard to believe Kasperov doing something like that, but everyone has their breaking points. And while he chewed us out, he did it in a manner that got us to listen and didn't demean us. Something I hope Richardson took notes on. He can be brutal when he's angry."

She absently rubbed her forehead, feeling a stress headache beginning to start.

"Family and Lancemates... I swear they're going to kill me yet. Had a heart to heart chat with Dad and Uncle Sledge. That was even harder than both of my interviews with the commander. And I thought those were nerve shattering. The whisky dad put into my coffee helped some, it at least helped take the edge off." She laughed a little, "For all that we didn't see each other much as I grew up, Dad certainly knows me all too well. Probably talking to Alex again. Then again all of the messages I sent to him pouring out my heart probably contributed."

Lonnie kicked back so that her chair leaned against the wall with her hands behind her head, the cross-stitch left forgotten on the table, a position she'd never take with anyone else present, even those closest to her. "And as good as it was to see them, it was hard too. They obviously wanted to make sure I knew what I was getting into and to give me a piece of their minds. Can't blame them, what I did hurt them the most even if no one said anything."

Without moving her chair, she snagged her can, "I told them everything, including a few of the suspicions that Doc Aaarons had regarding my illness. They were...shocked and horrified and refuse to believe that mom would have me poisoned. Dad especially, but I don't think either of them know what kind of evil bitch my mother has become. Uncle Sledge's term demonspawn works. And if it was deliberate on her part, it would have been meant to incapacitate me, not kill me. Of her kids, I'm the only one who has any degree of intelligence, the other two have pretty much rotted out their grey matter with drink, drugs and sex."

"And Dad gave me his ususal succinct lecture, only this time on self-pity. Listening to some of my past entries, I didn't realize how much I was wallowing. I'll try to work on that also. And Uncle Sledge gave me a longer lecture about taking up the commander's offer for Captain Mueller's...unique services." She sighed.

"He didn't need to go into about how it's murder, I'm well aware of that. When the time comes for my mother to die, it'll be by my hand. I won't have anyone else take that burden. I know that most people would say if, but I can't. Her Grace is starting to get as insane as her friend who was grabbed by Clan Wolf. The only problem is that it's the intelligent kind of crazy. At least for now. I just hope she doesn't start anything to horrible."

"That pretty much sums it up, we got caught up, I got lectured and in between the two bickered." She smiled, "It's good to be with my family again."

"Well, maybe that's not all, they gave me some insights on the commander and what he wants for this unit. And after talking with them... this might be self-pity, but I don't think so. I had toyed withthe idea of trying to get to know the commander better, he's such an interesting and intriguing person, but now. Well, I'm so far out of his league it's not even funny, despite what my father and uncle think. According to them, Kasperov sees life as a balance between war and peace, not one or the other. It's a different viewpoint and as Uncle Sledge said, I need to get used to it. The company is meant to be a fast response unit to handle, ah, issues I guess someone could say."

Taking another sip from the can, Lonnie pondered for a moment. "I don't think I'll need alot of time to adjust to that thinking. Granted I originally became a soldier to piss my charming mother off, but as time went by and I found I liked it... it wasn't because I enjoy fighting. I don't, I hate it actually. But my thoughts have always been it's better to have a trained, ethical person as a soldier instead of someone who enjoys fighting, or some poor dumb kid who got conscripted. I will try not to hestitate in battle, and today's exercise taught me alot, but I will not go after civillians, even if ordered to. If they have weapons and are attacking, that's a different story. But I refuse to wage war on those who cannot defend themselves."

She frowned a little, "That still sounds wrong, but that's the closest to how I can verablize what's rattling around in my skull. And leads to the other reason why I joined the Red Dawn, even if I didn't tell Dad. Originally it was because I wanted to serve under a good commander hoping I can learn from his example. Now that I'm beginning to slowly see what he's gone through, I'd have to be a complete idiot not to learn something. But it just emphasizes how different he and I are. I like to think I'm brave, but I don't know if I'd have the kind of guts he had to go into those fires in a non-cooled mech time after time. Guess only time will tell."

"I think Dad is somewhat surprised I decided to become a merc, instead of going to the SLDF, but as I told him, it was only for this unit. Had the commander not accepted me, I would have gone to the SLDF. But truth be told, I don't think I would have. I'm not sure why, but they just seem so... ineffectual. Like a ghost from the past that doesn't realize it should stay in its grave. It was a good idea in its time, but I think we need something new, not a thing that failed over 300 years ago."

She contemplated on that for a moment as she finished the last of her drink and brought her chair down with a very soft thump. Setting the can back down, she picked up her sewing and resumed her journal.

"Well, I can't do anything about that, at least not right now. "

Lonnie fell silent for a moment as she worked on a complex part of the scene she was working on: a silvery grey horse galloping along a plain at night with three moons overhead.

"Now for the rest of tonight... I'm not sure if I can trust my lancemates after all. Went out to dinner with Victor and Jain in the effort to try to get to know the people I'm going to be trusting my life with. I think I can trust them with my life, but not my sanity or freedom, so it be a very long time, if ever, before they learn who I really am. They wanted to get some extra money by having Jain dress up as something else and challenging people to a sim mech battle. I don't have problems with people wanting to earn extra money, it was just the method that left a bad taste in my mouth. Yes, I feel like a hypocrit... but I was honest about my skills in the testing and I wasn't aiming to swindle money from the unit. If they're willing to do that to get money, what else are they willing to do?"

The needle stilled in her hand, "I'm willing to risk my life with these people, but what would they do when they learned who I am? Victor hasn't said much, but I've gotten the impression he doesn't like Lyrans. If I knew he'd just try to kill me, I wouldn't worry about him learning about who I really am, it wouldn't be the first time someone felt that way about me. But I don't want to risk the chance of any of them trying to turn me over to my mother, her enemies, or my enemies. Maybe that's the coward's way, but I don't care to go back to that life."

"Should have known better than to get my hopes up for this life, after all it's not the first time my dreams have died upon encountering reality. I'll deal with this like I have everything else. At least I learned that I can't trust them now and not after thinking they were friends so I could set myself up to be stabbed in the back again. "

"Andy why can't I get a certain Russian out of my thoughts?"

"End journal entry."

Still in a thoughtful mood, she set her sewing aside, disposed of the can, changed from her jumpsuit to her sleeping gear: t-shirt and sweat pants. After getting ready for sleep, she went back to sewing for a while, thinking over the day's events. Upon completing three rows, Lonnie put her project back into it's small case, turned out the lights, made sure her alarm was set and crawled into bed.