Conflicting Duties
January 7, 3071
Dropship Plasma Rider
"I don't want to go back to Tharkad," Lonnie said musingly to herself as she looked out the viewport as the ship approached Outreach.
"As I told Nicholai, the Dawn is now my home. What I didn't tell him because I didn't realize it before, this is really the first 'place' I could call home. Alex's home, my mother's estate, Nagelring... they were places to stay. To be fair, Alex's family was close to being home, but that was mainly due to the relationship I have with the brother of my heart. But the Dawn...the Dawn is different. They've accepted me for myself, not because of who I'm related to, or who I'm friends with, or the fact I'm a pretty noblewoman. But for me and what I can do."
A small smile curved her lips and her eyes held an amused warmth as she thought of her 'family'. "Guess this does prove I take more after Dad. I'm happier with a crazed unit of mercs than I ever was with those 'appropriate to my rank and station'. Ugh. For all that Jain, Victor and Richardson can be crude and that our ideas of fun contrast, I wouldn't willing give them up as lancemates and friends. Especially Jain and Victor. And I can't help but wonder about my relationship with Nicholai."
She sighed and leaned against the viewport. "He came to speak with me privately a few days ago, worried that my leave would be permanent, that the Dawn was his family now, that I would always have a home here."
A deep breath was taken and then slowly let out, "That he wanted my friendship. He held my hands during part of the talk and my heart went 'thud'. And my brain turned to mush. I don't think I'm falling for him. I've already fallen. Hard. Oh how people would laugh if they knew the so-very-proper Snow Queen of the Nagelring fell in love with her commander of all people. Just wish I knew why I made him so nervous. I know I haven't been throwing myself at him, so it's not that..."
"So, I've been given permission to make arrangements for leave to Tharkad and finding that I don't want to leave. If I still had access to some of my old accounts, I'd hired the Dawn for escort service. But I don't. And how do I decide what is more important? Once I would have said that no matter how at odds, family is more important. But now I have two families in question, one that wants me. The other wanted me only if I played their little games and hated me because I wanted to be myself. I would say that blood isn't thicker than water, except the blood that has been shed in the Red Dawn has bound me more tightly than the shared blood between me and the House Dinesen. Bonds that I've willingly taken."
"I should go to make sure my mother's affairs are in order, but..."
"Dammit, I don't want to. I don't want to do this out of a sense of guilt or the fact I'm worried that if I don't go Nicholai will think less of me. I don't want to leave the Dawn, even if it's a short time. I know some would say I owe my family and my nation for my training, yet both virtually threw me away for not wanting to play petty games. And I have a duty to the Dawn now both written and not."
"Truth is... I don't want to go because that means not seeing Nicholai for however long."
Dropship Plasma Rider
"I don't want to go back to Tharkad," Lonnie said musingly to herself as she looked out the viewport as the ship approached Outreach.
"As I told Nicholai, the Dawn is now my home. What I didn't tell him because I didn't realize it before, this is really the first 'place' I could call home. Alex's home, my mother's estate, Nagelring... they were places to stay. To be fair, Alex's family was close to being home, but that was mainly due to the relationship I have with the brother of my heart. But the Dawn...the Dawn is different. They've accepted me for myself, not because of who I'm related to, or who I'm friends with, or the fact I'm a pretty noblewoman. But for me and what I can do."
A small smile curved her lips and her eyes held an amused warmth as she thought of her 'family'. "Guess this does prove I take more after Dad. I'm happier with a crazed unit of mercs than I ever was with those 'appropriate to my rank and station'. Ugh. For all that Jain, Victor and Richardson can be crude and that our ideas of fun contrast, I wouldn't willing give them up as lancemates and friends. Especially Jain and Victor. And I can't help but wonder about my relationship with Nicholai."
She sighed and leaned against the viewport. "He came to speak with me privately a few days ago, worried that my leave would be permanent, that the Dawn was his family now, that I would always have a home here."
A deep breath was taken and then slowly let out, "That he wanted my friendship. He held my hands during part of the talk and my heart went 'thud'. And my brain turned to mush. I don't think I'm falling for him. I've already fallen. Hard. Oh how people would laugh if they knew the so-very-proper Snow Queen of the Nagelring fell in love with her commander of all people. Just wish I knew why I made him so nervous. I know I haven't been throwing myself at him, so it's not that..."
"So, I've been given permission to make arrangements for leave to Tharkad and finding that I don't want to leave. If I still had access to some of my old accounts, I'd hired the Dawn for escort service. But I don't. And how do I decide what is more important? Once I would have said that no matter how at odds, family is more important. But now I have two families in question, one that wants me. The other wanted me only if I played their little games and hated me because I wanted to be myself. I would say that blood isn't thicker than water, except the blood that has been shed in the Red Dawn has bound me more tightly than the shared blood between me and the House Dinesen. Bonds that I've willingly taken."
"I should go to make sure my mother's affairs are in order, but..."
"Dammit, I don't want to. I don't want to do this out of a sense of guilt or the fact I'm worried that if I don't go Nicholai will think less of me. I don't want to leave the Dawn, even if it's a short time. I know some would say I owe my family and my nation for my training, yet both virtually threw me away for not wanting to play petty games. And I have a duty to the Dawn now both written and not."
"Truth is... I don't want to go because that means not seeing Nicholai for however long."
posted by Reika at 12:39 PM
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