Sulking

November 29, 3071
Outreach
Bravo Lance Barracks

Slumped into a chair in a most unladylike fashion, Lonnie decided to go all the way and put her booted feet up on the table and sighed. Today the unit had been informed that there was a contract and they would be shipping out in ten days, in three Bravo Lance would have another mock combat, this time in answer to a challenge from Vicore. The mechwarrior rolled her big, blue eyes at that thought, god save them all from idiot corps.

But those weren't the problems, yes she was nervous, but that wasn't what got her into the current funk.

No, it was because she had let herself get caught off guard and had almost lost her temper in a very explosive and potentially terrible manner.

All she could feel was fear when Kasperov announced their employment was from the Lyran Alliance. Then Victor made his comment about their new employer leaving them to hang just after the commander had told them that the contract was from the Archon himself to retrieve mercs abandoned by that insane cunt that had sat on the throne before Peter and something terrible woke. All of the hate and rage that she had thought she had exorcised, but instead had buried deep in her psyche, came boiling to the surface. For the very briefest of moments she only saw a hot, red haze filming her vision and a part of her bayed for blood fresh from the vein.

That was the reason for her sulk. That she could be capable of such a terrible side...it scared her. Scared her more than anything else, even the thought of her mother or her enemies catching up to her. The fact she'd been able to control that bitter poisonous part of her mind was small consolation. All that had allowed her to gain control was the regard she held for her Lancemates and the more powerful emotion she refused to name for her commander.

Had it been anyone else... she didn't know what she would have done. To loose her control in such a manner was abhorent to the woman who considered herself a civilized human.

One thing it do was confirm one thing in her mind, she needed to tell her Lance the truth of who and what she is, and why the morning's conversation had sparked what it did in her. She didn't remember much about the briefing afterwards, only remembering the terrible exhaustion that had swamped her and muddled her thoughts. The afternoon's sim practice wasn't even a dim memory, she'd been on automatic pilot at that point. That she hadn't gotten her ass reamed about by Richardson or Dante meant that her reflexes were working well enough to cover that her mind had gone into hiding.

With another sigh she pulled out her noteputer to send a message to Kasperov. Before she did anything rash, she wanted to let her commander know what she wanted to tell her Lance and if there was anyone else that she could notify. Lonnie's thoughts were too muddled from the damn lies that kept building upon one another, if she was to go onto a battlefield, she wanted to be as clear and sharp and precise as possible.

"Commander, I'm requesting a moment of your time to ask for your advice on a matter.

Thank you.
L. Silvestri"

Time off part two

November 23, 3071
Outreach
Bravo Lance Barracks

With shopping bags in hand the waif-like, white haired woman tiredly entered the place she was beginning to consider home. It had been a long day starting with the ass kicking handed to Bravo Lance by the Dismal Disinherited and ending with a good meal seasoned with advice by a man Lonnie was beginning to consider an adopted grandfather. In between was the most interesting shopping trip she'd had since making the mistake of going shopping for mechanical bits with Alex.

Remembering that they had the next day off, she wasn't surprised the others were still out and about on their own amusements. It was a relief, it meant she could toss up the decorations, wrap gifts and write cards without being interrupted. Sighing happily, she kicked off her boots before putting them into place under her bunk after gently depositing her bags on the table. Silently padding into the kitchenette in her stocking feet, Lonnie was quite happy to see that she wasn't the only one keeping the fridge stocked with Timbiqui Dark. Grabbing a couple of cans, she went back into the main room.

Dropping one can on the table, she cracked open the second can, took a good gulp, pulled out her noteputer.

"New Journal Entry."

"Busy day, but somewhat productive I think. Got the gifts for Dad, Uncle Billy, Kasperov, the rest of the Lance, Dante and Mueller. Ordered the gift basket for the squad, when I know we're shipping out, I'll have it delivered a couple of days before deployment. Ordered Alex and Elise's gifts ages ago, so they're set. But I need to find something nice for Cabella and his partner after their charm, good company and advice. Not to mention lettting me use them as an emotional sounding board. "

Humming a bit to herself, she pulled out the silly christmas hat she couldn't resist getting, put it on and began to toss up the various non-religous winter holiday decorations she'd gotten.

"I have to say, that was probably one of the oddest shopping trips I've had since I made the mistake of going shopping with Alex to get the materials for one of his infamous experiments."

"Not that anyone was rude...they were all incredibly helpful. Probably the typical "pretty woman with money during christmas season" syndrome again. Well, not entirely in the case of a couple of them. Like the place I got Victor's music from. Those men were weird. How anyone can gush for a half hour about obscure trivia from ancient Terra is beyond me. I know to each their own, but to blather at a captive audience like that... Amazing they're still in business if they do that to every customer. Of course they probably realized they had someone too polite to tell them off when they started going on about it."

She paused as she surveyed her work, nodded her satisfaction to herself, picked up her opened beer and took another drink before sitting down to start wrapping. Regarding the three hardcover books thoughtfully, Lonnie made a note of the titles and author for possible future reading. Placing them in a neat stack, carefully folded, cut and taped the wrapping paper.

"I'm hoping that Captain Mueller doesn't figure out who gave him these books, or if he does, doesn't get too upset with me... The owner of the bookstore where I got these books was odd, very odd, but not in the manner of the men in the music store. He seemed to know what I was looking for even though I didn't. I don't know Captain Mueller very well, and I doubt if I ever will, but I do know he's in charge of covert ops for the Dawn and giving him books about a fictional spy seems appropriate. Hope he likes them."

Finishing Mueller's gift, she pulled out the card she gotten for him and with her neat, elegant hand, wrote a brief message wishing the very intimidating man happy holidays. That most people didn't write the way she did or in such a manner didn't occur to her. One of the few lessons she learned from her mother that she had retained was the personal touch. Even if she didn't sign her name to what could have been a fairly impersonal message, the personal touch could be seen. That's all that mattered.

For a time she paused the journal as she was content to wrap gifts and make careful notes for each of them, though in the case of her father and uncle, she didn't have to make carefully impersonal, personal notes. The love and respect she held for the two men could be seen, when she set aside their gifts she knew she'd give them by her hand to theirs for the first time in years. It wasn't the first time she had that thought, it still warmed her though. Lonnie hoped that they liked them, the boxes were identical in shape and size, but had different colors and designs that she thought each of them would like, inside matching accessories for the cigars, along with their favorite cigars.

Then she got to the last gift and looked down at it broodingly. A simple cigarette case with the Red Dawn insignia embossed upon it with the phrase Now for wrath, now for ruin, and the Red Dawn! engraved beneath it. Besides the requisite holder for cigarettes the interior also had small containers to hold tobacco and wrapping papers. Unopened packages of both sat next to the case and she brooded over the gift, and the blank card next to it. Lonnie had been fairly careful in making sure she knew what brands the commander preferred and this was going to be harder to give than what she was giving Mueller, and for entirely different reasons.

"Oh Marlana", she said quietly to herself, "you've got it bad. Admit it, you're falling for him hard, even if you're trying to be the cautious soul you always are. Just remember, he's both your superior officer and employer." Before she could work herself up any more than she already had, she swiftly wrapped up the gift in a neat little package and regarded the card for a long moment.

And threw caution to the wind as she began to write.

"To Commander Kasperov:

Wishing you a wonderful Christmas and not only a Happy New Year, but a successful future as well."

She paused for a moment before signing it with a flourish.

"Yours always,

LS"


Refusing to acknowledge the lurch in her guts at seeing how she had signed the card, Lonnie waited for the ink to dry before stuffing the card into the envelope that was then attached to the gift. For a brief moment she had considered a stronger word than the phrase she ended her note with, but backed off at the last moment not having the courage to commit to paper what she wasn't ready to admit to herself. She knew how sharp Kasperov was, he would probably have figured out who it was from just based on the writing, but she felt compelled to be as honest as possible even if she had meant the gift to be one from a "Secret Santa". Whatever relationship that did develop with the man, it would be one based on honesty.

A thought that stopped her and made her really examine some of her twisted feelings.

Marlana Halas had not been able to trust those she encountered in the LAAF, especially many of her fellow nobles. She had chosen to start a new life as Lonnie Silvestri with the Red Dawn and she was reverting to her old habits as Marlana.

"This has to end, I can't live a lie anymore, not like I did the first twenty some odd years of my life. I need to be honest with my new Lance, even if there's a possibility they can't be trusted, but if we're to do battle together, they need to know who and what will be fighting at their side."

She just needed the right moment to speak with not just those in her Lance, but Captain's Dante and Mueller as well, it would be only fair since they were the ones who have to deal with the fallout of who she was besides the commander. But before they saw the true field of battle, she was determined for them to know the truth.

"And the truth will set you free", she whispered to herself.

She wondered if that homily would come true.

Some time off

Red Dawn Temporary Barracks
Outreach
November 23, 3071

Standing near the gate to the temporary quarters of the Red Dawn, Lonnie waited for her cab, lost in thought with her hands tucked into the pockets of her jumpsuit and her head slowly bowed unheeding of the breeze toying with her hair and clothing. Despite the concealing makeup she had used there was still a faint shadow of the livid bruise on her right cheek from the earlier mock combat. While markers had been used instead of slugs, and the laser weapons had been toned down to be non-damaging, the jostling she'd gotten when her Herc had been headshot twice had left some impressive bruises. It also left her deeply grateful she wasn't male. After the way the lower straps of her five point harness had tightened to hold her in place would have made walking painful for a man.

The soft beep of an incoming message snapped her back to the present, reading it she sighed. Due to an accident, her cab was going to be 20 minutes later than expected. Fortunately, most of the shops in Harlech were open late enough that her plans wouldn't be disrupted by the delay. For a moment she wondered what her lancemates would think of the fact that the coolly aloof Lyran was going shopping for christmas presents and decorations, including stuff for them. The young mechwarrior grinned briefly, ignoring the slight stab of pain in her cheek, as she contemplated seeing their reactions to her wearing a floppy christmas hat while up some tinsel and other easily removable decorations in the barracks of Bravo Lance. That alone would be worth it.

Then she sobered as she realized it would be the first time in years that she wouldn't be able to spend Christmas with Alex and the others, including his family. On the upside she'd find a way to spend it with her father and uncle, a rare occurance, but Alex's absence would be missed. Which reminded her...

Having time to kill, she pulled out her noteputer for a brief note.

"Hey Alex, I know it's a month early, but I wanted to wish you a Merry Christmas. According to Captain Dante the Commander thinks we'll have a contract by Christmas, so we'll probably be shipping out sometime around that time then so I'm not sure when my next message will be. I hope you two have a wonderful holiday season. All my love and lots of zenhugs. Lani."

After sending the message through it's way, Lonnie contemplated the term zenhugs. It was something neither Alex nor she had used in sometime, but it seemed appropriate. He'd seen the term in an old book and for a time she'd used it in her messages to her father. Zenhugs were "the hugs you would give if you could give them".

Seeing that she still had quite a bit of time before her transport, she kept the 'puter out.

"New Journal Entry."

Sighing, she leaned against a wall and closed her eyes. "We had another mock combat, this time against the Dismal Disinherited. And we got our asses handed back to us. I think we were all convinced we were going to get fired from that debacle, only we're not. Seems that the Commander wanted to see how we would hold up under pressure and arranged for a combat vetern team to go up against us. Even if we did get wiped out quickly, we did manage to knock a couple of them on their asses at least."

"We did hold up though, and we were working together as a team. It's not very cohesive, but it's better than what it was and Richardson didn't loose his temper on the battlefield. There might be a chance at us being somewhat successful after all. Though I wonder how long my Herc will last, I got headshot twice today. How I didn't get completely offed is beyond me."

Opening her eyes, she sighed again, "I just hope that I am cut out for this, since it looks like we'll have a contract within the next month my emotions are finally beginning to realize that I will be facing real combat after all these years of training. And I'm scared shitless."

"Not so much that I'll get hurt or even killed, I'm scared that I'll let my lancemates down. That when the moment of truth comes, I'll fail. Stupid, but there it is. I know over time I'll get over it, but the question is, do we have that time? And the other question is, will I?"

"I know what I'm doing when it comes to piloting a mech and can shoot fairly straight, either with a mech's weapons or my own outside of the mech. But my tactics are still rotten. At least I wasn't timid in this last battle, even if I was running around like a chicken with her head cut off. It definitely wasn't timidity when I was trying to avoid getting shot by at least three mechs at once. "

She rubbed the back of her head, "Then to make matters even more interesting, our debriefing was held by the CO of the opposing lance. He was understanding, made some suggestions, and was...not what I was expecting. Judging by everyone else's expressions, neither were they. I was fully expecting a lecture that started off with 'Listen up maggots, this is what you did wrong.'"

The white-haired woman laughed a little ruefully. "I should know better than to actually anticipate anything in this unit. The commanding officers are generally at least one step ahead of us..."

Grimacing she tried not to let her thoughts head off in a direction that made her uneasy, when that didn't work, decided to face it head on.

"Speaking of commanding officers, or at least one in particular. What am I going to do? I've only known the man a little over two weeks, have spoken with him all twice alone and no matter how I look for things to make myself turn off of him, I can't find it. I'd talk to Dad except he'd probably lecture me about fraternization. I'd talk to Uncle Billy, except if he doesn't lecture me, he'd ask me why I haven't done anything yet. Since I can't seem to get my emotions to behave, I'd love to have someone to ask advice of. Someone who knows Kasperov, but isn't part of the company."

That thought stopped her as a memory surfaced.

"Signor Cabella might fit that bill... he obviously knows the commander, he even teased me a bit about marrying the man and he's not part of the company. I was planning on going there to eat anyway, maybe, just maybe, he'd be willing to give a little advice. Just hope the subject of my request doesn't show up. That could make things more than a bit awkward. But if he does, he does. I'll deal. Somehow."

"Kind of wish I felt comfortable enough around Jain to ask her to go shopping with me. I think she'd make it a fun trip and she might be able to come up with some suggestions for gifts for Victor and Captain Mueller. But maybe in the future. Damn this deception! I thought it would help me find myself, but it's not. It's hampering me so much that I'm afraid of reveling who I am without meaning to. Like I did in the debriefing when I almost said that I'd gone to Nagelring. How much longer can I continue to lie like this before I forget who I really am without ever truly knowing?"

Before she could try to come up with an answer to her own semi-rhetorical answer, the sound of a car horn alerted her to her cab. For awhile she would forget about her personal problems while dealing with the more pleasant issue of figuring out christmas gifts. After that... well only time would tell.

Ramblings from the author

At some point Jeff (the gm of the game that I'm playing Lonnie in) started to get into a conversation about the difference between a soldier and a warrior. Since it was past 1 am after a long day at work, I wan't quite coherant, but I've been mulling over my ideas on the differences of the two since then. This is in no way, shape or form a nice neat disertation, but rather my attempt at "verbalizing" my ideas. My brain is a messy place to live in, you don't want to tred there without full hazmat gear and serious artillery. There's some days I scare myself. But on to the meat of the matter.

To me a soldier is an individual who is trained to work with other similar individuals so that they operate together as a deadly unit. They work best when together, but are capable of working individually. Regardless of what they fight for, they are professionals who may not take pride in the destruction of war, take pride in their skills. In my eyes a good soldier will function within his unit to achieve whatever goal has been set with as little casualties on his side as possible along with a minimum of harm done to civilians.

This isn't to say that warriors aren't professionals, they are, they just have a different focus than the soldier. Warriors tend to train as individuals and generally work best in small units if they have to work with others. If you have large numbers of warriors as an army, they will not be as effective as an army of soldiers due to the fact they lack the "team" mentality as is usually demonstrated by well trained soldiers.

I think the best example of "warriors" as opposed to soldiers can be seen in the works of Homer. While the Greeks did gather an army of sorts, it was one composed primarily of warriors each looking out for his own glory in battle, rather than achieving the overall goal.

Of course, I could be wrong, and I know this is still totally muddled, but it's a beginning of how I see the difference between the two.

Comments would be greatly appreciated.