Conflicting Duties

January 7, 3071
Dropship Plasma Rider

"I don't want to go back to Tharkad," Lonnie said musingly to herself as she looked out the viewport as the ship approached Outreach.

"As I told Nicholai, the Dawn is now my home. What I didn't tell him because I didn't realize it before, this is really the first 'place' I could call home. Alex's home, my mother's estate, Nagelring... they were places to stay. To be fair, Alex's family was close to being home, but that was mainly due to the relationship I have with the brother of my heart. But the Dawn...the Dawn is different. They've accepted me for myself, not because of who I'm related to, or who I'm friends with, or the fact I'm a pretty noblewoman. But for me and what I can do."

A small smile curved her lips and her eyes held an amused warmth as she thought of her 'family'. "Guess this does prove I take more after Dad. I'm happier with a crazed unit of mercs than I ever was with those 'appropriate to my rank and station'. Ugh. For all that Jain, Victor and Richardson can be crude and that our ideas of fun contrast, I wouldn't willing give them up as lancemates and friends. Especially Jain and Victor. And I can't help but wonder about my relationship with Nicholai."

She sighed and leaned against the viewport. "He came to speak with me privately a few days ago, worried that my leave would be permanent, that the Dawn was his family now, that I would always have a home here."

A deep breath was taken and then slowly let out, "That he wanted my friendship. He held my hands during part of the talk and my heart went 'thud'. And my brain turned to mush. I don't think I'm falling for him. I've already fallen. Hard. Oh how people would laugh if they knew the so-very-proper Snow Queen of the Nagelring fell in love with her commander of all people. Just wish I knew why I made him so nervous. I know I haven't been throwing myself at him, so it's not that..."

"So, I've been given permission to make arrangements for leave to Tharkad and finding that I don't want to leave. If I still had access to some of my old accounts, I'd hired the Dawn for escort service. But I don't. And how do I decide what is more important? Once I would have said that no matter how at odds, family is more important. But now I have two families in question, one that wants me. The other wanted me only if I played their little games and hated me because I wanted to be myself. I would say that blood isn't thicker than water, except the blood that has been shed in the Red Dawn has bound me more tightly than the shared blood between me and the House Dinesen. Bonds that I've willingly taken."

"I should go to make sure my mother's affairs are in order, but..."

"Dammit, I don't want to. I don't want to do this out of a sense of guilt or the fact I'm worried that if I don't go Nicholai will think less of me. I don't want to leave the Dawn, even if it's a short time. I know some would say I owe my family and my nation for my training, yet both virtually threw me away for not wanting to play petty games. And I have a duty to the Dawn now both written and not."

"Truth is... I don't want to go because that means not seeing Nicholai for however long."

A painful victory

December 26, 3071
Sheratan

Smoke swirled around shattered metal husks of what had once been tanks and hovercraft as fires caused by the recently ended battle slowly burned themselves out. The wind strengthened for a moment, bringing a reek of burnt meat in addition to burning wood and metal. The pale haired woman grimaced as she climbed back up the ladder into her mech after assessing the status of those under her temporary command as well as the salvage left.

Taking a sip of tepid water from her canteen, she deactivated the voice activation of her comms, leaving them on to monitor traffic so that she could respond when needed. With one ear on the radio chatter, she activated her noteputer.

"What a mess. My first command and what happens? I get one trooper killed, one of my lancemates injured and the mech of another totaled. My mech has had at least half its armor chewed off and the LBX taken out. Similar situation with Jain's. I'm very thankful that the engine safeties held on Victor's mech when the engine blew, so he's fine, just rideless. God, the brass are going to have my ass for this. And I'm really not looking forward to facing Uncle Billy about his precious mechs."

She scrubbed tiredly at her face with one gloved hand, then took another sip of water, swallowing slowly so as to rehydrate her dried mouth and throat. "We split too much, which is what caused so much damage. I've seen it happening...but not to this degree. Jain went north, Victor went south, I tried to stay in the middle to keep us all together, but all I managed to do is get myself boxed in. Jain was too far by that point to regroup, Victor came in to help me try to turn the box into a reverse ambush but all that resulted in was the first of a bad series of hammer blows to his mech. Instead of reinforcing him and my BA squad, I left them swinging in the wind at the wrong moment. I'd like to say that the fire and smoke confused me, but that would be bullshit. All I just wanted to do at that point was get out of the fire before I overheated anymore than I already had. But instead of going forward, I went back."

Lonnie scowled a little, still somewhat pissed.

"I can't believe I missed how far afield Jain was getting from the rest of us. If I could have kept her reined in a bit more, we could have given each other's backs. Granted she did keep some of the forces occupied on her, but I still think the split hurt us. We survived and were successful at this objective, but due to injuries and damaged mechs I'm not sure what we'll be able to do during the rest of the contract. At least Richardson seems to have been successful on his mission without any major damage done to him and his BA squad."

For a silent moment she surveyed the burning wreckage of mech, tanks and trees and shook her head in disgust. "This whole thing is a mess. I wonder if there will ever be a time when mankind can finally resolve its issues without this wanton destruction."

Another slow swallow of water then the canteen was capped.

"Those mercs seemed very quick to want to get off planet, I didn't think the Blakists were that bad, but they seemed to think otherwise. If they've gone off the deep end, I fear for those sorry bastards they have captive. Well, that's not my concern for now."

Seeing Delta lance arrive on the scene to relieve the pitiful show of force Bravo was putting on for security, she sighed.

"Time to face the fire. End journal entry."