Feeling Way Too Damn Good

May 6, 3073
Red Dawn Garrison
Summer

Just when I think I've got a certain Colonel figured out I find out that I don't know anything at all. He arranged to rent a "home away from home" for the two of us for the duration of our contract on Summer. It's a lovely geodisic dome with all the amenities either of us wanted.

At first it felt a little strange, almost like playing "house" instead of seeing what it's like to make a true home for just the two of us with no interruptions from our respective duties. Especially sitting at a table together calmly discussing duty rotations and other assorted paperwork (mental note: I've almost got the stubborn man to agree to cut down on the paperwork. There is absolutely no reason for the same information to be repeated on the same form three times!). It was especially wonderful not to worry about any accidental witnesses when my showoff fiance decided he was going to get frisky.

It's good to see Nicholai truly happy for the first time in months and that he's still smoke free. And he's still minded to eat healthy. If I can help the physical wounds heal, maybe I can finally help the emotional ones heal. Just as he and all the others who have become close to me are helping me heal.

Nicholai and I aren't the only ones with such hurts, Elgin took its toll on everyone, but there's too many for me to help directly. So all I can do is try to take care of my command and let the effects from that spread out to those they have connections with. I'm still worried about what the Rosados might pull after the shit with the battle with that madman on Elgin. At least Mueller isn't underminding my authority anymore and comes to me before asking one of my people to do one of his questionable ops.

Fortunately it looks like we might not need Mueller's ops to be done just yet, or if he feels the need he won't use Victor too much. I worry about him, but then again I worry about all of my "children". It's a good thing my hair has already gone white otherwise I'd have very liberal amounts of grey from their antics.

Please let this be a quiet contract.

A New Hell

May 1, 3073
Red Dawn Garrison
Summer

It figures, we finally get a contract in my nation and we have to go the one planet I've always dreaded. Summer.

This place has been completely misnamed, it should be known as Hellfire instead. How the hell do the natives not melt into little puddles of goo?

At least it's quiet here, maybe some of the wounds from Elgin can finally heal.

Maybe some of our old demons can finally be laid to rest.

Out of the fire...

April 17, 3073
ISMV Fallen Gods, upgraded Union-class DropShip

We’ve finally left that hell hole known as Elgin and I sincerely hope we never return to the Chaos March again if Elgin is any example. It’s been some time since I’ve last updated this journal and quite frankly there was little I wanted to record or to remember of my time there.

Even if we couldn’t prove anything there is a distinct feeling of being used by the Word of Blake, but we were clearly used by the Prime Minister in his games against his own government. The ones who truly suffered were the poor citizens of Mai-lao from Hollinger’s insane bombardments. Had I been able to, I would’ve cheerfully razed the government buildings of the so-called world government on Lunzberg. And I have a feeling I wouldn’t have been alone.

We have another garrison contract, this time on Summer. I’ve never been there, but I have heard of it and thank the gods it’s in civilization. Even if it is on the border with the Free Worlds League. The border is currently quiet, but while I don’t know a great deal about the Chaos March, or mercenaries, I do know the history between my people and one of their oldest neighboring foes. The border is quiet now, but I doubt if it’ll remain quiet for all that long with the way the rest of the Sphere seems bent on setting itself afire. I just hope that we’ll have enough time to recover from Elgin.

At least we had a brief and relatively painless assignment by helping the FedSuns get rid of a nest of pirates. The battle was in vacuum which made it…interesting. Both Nicholai and Victor had engine breaches, but fortunately the M.A.S.H. units were able to get to them in time before the life support failed. Unfortunately, that battle has given me a new nickname of “Shotgun Queen” courtesy of Spyros. I just got lucky with the number of breaches I got in the enemy mechs with my LBX. What is it with people giving me royal nicknames?

So I wonder what kind of hell Summer is going to prove to be? I know it’s going to be a hot one. It would be nice if for once we got an assignment on a pleasantly cool planet. Or at least in a region that gets snow!

Of proposals and promotions

November 1, 3072

He’s asked me to be his wife.

Of course I accepted. How could I not? He makes my heart sing like no one else ever could not to mention making me feel alive in ways I could never imagine. But this isn’t just romance and hormones, though there’s plenty of both, there’s also respect and friendship. Nicholai is the partner I never dared dream of or even hope for. And he seems to feel the same way about me.

In my mind the last few days have been a turning point. One of the fears I hadn’t dared voice to myself was that we would favor one another should we be in combat together. We didn’t, even though there were times we asked each other if we were insane, so it bodes well considering the other major change in my life.

That we can work together professionally is a very good thing now since I am now a subordinate officer answering directly to the Colonel in the newly formed command company. Before his death, Lt. Chubarov gave the commander plans to create a command company instead of forming a third cavalry. It would give the new Captain of the mech forces a chance to get experience before dealing with the rigors of a fully cavalry command with the intention of the candidate training their successor before moving on to the 3rd when it’s formed. He got approval from the senior officers not only for the idea of the new company, but also his choice of candidate before he presented the entire thing to the Colonel.

Needless to say I was rather surprised at the fact I was the one Chubarov chose to take the position. The reasons ranged from the act that still mortifies me to this day to making me want to squirm in embarrassment at the praise given for my performance since joining the Red Dawn. I never realized how many people not only respected, but also seem to like me a great deal. It’s…humbling. All I have ever asked for is respect which I have tried to give in return. I never expected or looked for more than that.

So I accepted the position. Partly because it would mean advancement for my lance as a whole, partly out of respect for the fallen who felt I would do well, partly because I’ve found that I’ve been bitten by the command bug. It’s not that I enjoy having power over those in my command, but it’s the fact that I’d worry about them being placed under someone else who may not care about them as much as I do. But mainly, I’ve taken the position for myself, as selfish as that may seem. For the first time in my life I have a chance at controlling my own future and I mean to seize it before it fades away. I know this is going to be a hard, often thankless, position, but it’s a future with people I have come to care a great deal about.

I also know that Dad, and to some extent Uncle Billy, is not entirely happy about the path I’ve chosen, but I think that they both are slowly coming to realize what this unit means to me. I just wish I could have a conversation with my father that doesn’t eventually become morbid. Guess those emotional wounds still need to be lanced and drained for both of us before they can heal properly.

Oddly enough I no longer have the great concerns that I’m going to go down my mother’s path. Maybe because I’m finally coming into my own.

Nah. It’s more likely it’s because my friends and loved ones are more likely to kick my ass if I start showing the signs.

Though on a happier note last night was the first time I was able to really enjoy a Halloween party. Nicholai fulfilled his threat about the costume while proving just how mischievous he can be by dressing up as a pimp from ancient terra. Including the most ridiculous feathered hat I’ve seen in ages.

As silly and improbably as the costume was it looked really good on him.

The costume that really did get me though was seeing Mueller dressed up as a chauffeur. I pity the poor bastard that had the misfortune of putting that costume together. I don’t think Elgin sees many mini-Elementals.

It was a wonderful evening even though my love did decided he would live up to his outrageous outfit by keeping me hot and bothered all night. It was fun even though it was more risqué than what I’d normally go for.

The only time he wasn’t being frisky was when we were giving a gift to an old soldier, a veteran of Free Capella and the St. Ives Compact. One who was blinded by laser fire and whose arthritis kept him from being able to use a normal sized lighter. With my agreement, Nicholai gave him my Christmas gifts of assorted smoking paraphernalia as well as his unused smoking supplies. When the man thanked us, he did so in the belief that we were a young married couple.

Neither of us corrected him.

In a way last night was bittersweet since I never had a chance to tell Signore Cabella about my relationship with Nicholai and it was in his restaurant that I first started to fall for the man who won my heart. Maybe wherever his spirit has gone to rest would have a way of learning of the happy news since he’d been the one to try and matchmake the two of us from the start.

We don’t have anything set in stone at this time for the marriage simply because of the ongoing issues with the current contract. I have a feeling once the contract we’ll be able to start talking about what we want to do.

There are going to be dark times coming as always.

The bright ones will more than make up for them.

The darkness after the light

October 30, 3072

The battle was every bit as ugly as I was afraid of.

We lost Lt. Chubarov, the Colonel’s aide-de-camp, and Capt. Giller. They’ll be greatly missed and it’s going to be an uphill battle to convince Nicholai that their deaths aren’t entirely his fault.

His demons did wake during that battle which led to some rash decisions, but he wasn’t the only one who had that happen. He was fine until the report came in about just how truly horrid the conditions in the mines were. I think we all lost some of our rationality at that point, though I don’t think I was affected as badly as the others.

No, instead I got into a “disagreement” with Nicholai during that dreadful moment when he ordered to fire upon any enemy that ejected from downed mechs and vees. Spyros prompted me just as I was about to open a private commlink to the commander about his order.

The only part of that conversation that wounded me the most was the fact he flung my mother and her actions in my face. I was not even thinking about her when I called him out on his order, only that it sounded like his demons were running rampant and I wanted to stop him before he did something he would regret for a long time afterwards.

Then I had to talk Spyros out of loosing it as things got worse in combat.

I think I’m more exhausted from the emotional battles than the physical one.

Not surprisingly the margrave fought until the last, refusing to be taken alive. Despite what Nicholai believed the man would not have walked away as a hero of a media circus.

I would have called in every favor I had remaining to me in the Alliance to bring him down. As Alex keeps reminding me, I still do have friends there, some of whom would have been quite happy to guide me to the way to bring the bastard down.

But that is neither here nor there now. What’s done is done and we all need to live with the consequences of our actions.

I just wonder if I should have argued a little harder a little longer instead of withdrawing when he brought up my mother.

At least tomorrow night there will be some fun with the Halloween party. After much grumbling and groaning Nicholai agreed to get a costume though he wouldn’t tell me what it was going to be. He had that ominous look in his eyes to make me pay for that. I won’t mind, since he’s likely to make it interesting. Though a good interesting I hope.

A little light

October 29, 3072

Lave it to my love to shatter the numbness that was slowly strangling me. He called last night so we could have some quality time together before going into battle. Since I wasn’t sure if I’d be able to wear the costume I’d been talked into buying by one of the local tradespeople, I decided to wear it for Nicholai to see what he thought of it.

He really liked the outfit.

And my god does he look good. He’s put on some much needed weight and developed a bit of muscle tone. He’s even given up on smoking.

He quit smoking.

That’s like me giving up coffee. Which I’m not going to until one of the docs yell at me to do so.

I’d known he’d been cutting back, but didn’t realize he’d been able to quit. He also seems… emotional isn’t the right word. Passionate? It’s hard to describe. Either way he seems to feel more, or at least they affect him more.

He really liked the costume.

Ah well, enough happy fluffy stuff.

As usual our battleplan has changed. It would seem the Colonel’s lance will be going into battle with us rather than Captain Bingham’s. Bingham will be going in with the element that is being sent to rescue the essentially slave labor the oh-so-charming Margrave has in his mines.

This is going to be an ugly fight. And it’ll be a telling one for my relationship.

But at least I’ll have some light to hold onto before the darkness.

Uncomfortably numb

October 28, 3072

As I write this I wonder what's gone wrong with me in mind and heart. Why have I gotten so numb? Is it because of the situation on this fucked up world? The feeling of near constant struggle with another looming up any time now? Is it the politics?

Wish I knew, then I might be able to do something.

God knows, the whole is insane enough here. Three factions at each other's throats trying to unify the world to their own ideals, terrorists of assorted stripes running around. One of the three factions clearly trying to set the other two off by adding to the atrocities the other terrorists have caused.

Funny, less than a year ago I would've welcomed such numbness, but now it, well I can't say it scares me. Because I don't feel scared, just...numb and maybe a little concerned.

Haven't talked much with Nicholai lately since the two of us have been so busy, perhaps it's for the best. Maybe if the relationship strains enough, he'll feel free to find someone who knows how to have non-fucked up relationships. If I could get rid of this feeling of my emotions wrapped up in a world of grey cotton I would remember what I feel for him.

Or maybe it's the upcoming op that's making me feel like this?

We captured the last of the Whirling Dervishes, they had the bad luck to join a merc unit through various reasons, mainly mercs that were down and out looking for work, lacking the reason and resources to look into their new employer, others were kids who didn't have a clue. And we finally found out their employer is none other than Margrave Rudolph Weitz of Westphalia. Apparently this man has the typical ego issues of a would-be despot believing his tech can make up for sloppy performance. He funneled money through various routes to fund and equip the Dervishes as part of his contract with them. They'd been hired to set Lunzberg and Mai-Lao at one another's throats through attacks on various civilian locations.

Maybe this is why I'm so numb, the disgust and outrage I'd normally be feeling would be overwhelming, it's my mind's way of protecting itself.

Sometime very soon we're going in to take out the Margrave, it's been reported he has Five assault class mechs, including a Fafnir he personally pilots. Even though it wasn't part of the orders from higher up, Bingham is sending in elements to free the force labor that bastard has working in his mines while Blackout Alpha and my own lance take out the Margrave. Fortunately he hasn't done what so many nobles have done in the past and used a civilian populace as armor.

Still going to be a tough battle and oddly enough Nicholai is going to be overall command on this op while Bingham is field commander. With the way I've been feeling, this is likely to be my opportunity to be an utter fuck up.

That's enough, Marlana.

Need to get some sleep, maybe in the morning I'll feel again.

Disgust

October 16, 3072
Second Calvary Barracks
Elgin

     Aching in more than just her body, Marlana slowly sank down in a chair that was tucked in an out of the way spot to give herself a chance to collect her thoughts without any interruptions. She knew she should be asleep like the others, but as usual when her mind was overactive there wouldn’t be any point in trying to get sleep. For a moment she studied the chip she held in one hand as an old memory surfaced.

     Storm grey eyes of an impeccably dressed and groomed woman of good breeding gazed down at what the casual passerby would think of as a younger version of herself, only with black hair and sapphire eyes instead of blonde and grey. Finally the woman nodded to her daughter, “You’ll do. I have to say that who ever designed the dress version of your school uniform had some modicum of talent going for them since the seamstress didn’t have that much work to do to make it presentable. Hopefully you remember a small shred of your deportment classes so that you won’t embarrass either of us.”
     Her tone made it clear that she believed otherwise.

     “I want you to remember something, Marlana Halas. No matter what you think, everyone can be bought, sometimes you can’t, or won’t, pay the price. Everyone has a weak spot you can exploit to use against them. Everyone is out to use you. If not for your money and connections, then it’s for your pretty face. And yes, that does include me. Unlike some, I at least will admit that to your face. Keep these things in mind tonight and see if you can spot those whose price you can pay or those you can exploit if you can’t.”
     
     The girl’s voice was carefully neutral to hide her hate and disgust, “Yes, lady mother.”

Twelve years later she still had to swallow back the hate and disgust. Then a bitter smile curved her lips as she imagined her mother’s reaction to how she was going to use those lessons. Then she slotted the chip and began to study and make notes on its contents.

Hours later the young lieutenant slowly stretched, wincing as abused muscles protested the movement and smiled a little at the results. It had been interesting in a way, to construct the analysis of the mid-ranked nobility of Mai-Lao and Westphalia. It wasn’t comprehensive in anyway, she would need a few days to do that. But she thought it provided a decent idea of the ones who provided the most support to the important nobility.
     “Remember, Marlana, it’s easy enough to find out information about the princes and dukes. The ones you truly want to watch, to study, to be wary of are the lesser nobles. They’re a pack of dogs, toss them meat and bones, the occasion kind word and they are yours for life. Treat them ill and they’ll turn on you and drag you down so fast you will not know what killed you.”

     Not for the first, or the last, time she wondered if doing things like this is what led her mother down the path she did. Wondered if her mother had poisoned her in slow subtle ways that she was only now discovering when it was too late to do anything. She pulled out the locket she wore over her heart all of the time now and wondered sickly if she’d done something subconsciously to pay Nicholai’s price that she was just using him for her own ends without knowing what it was that she was doing or why.
     Irritably she shook her head, scrubbed at her tired eyes, telling herself fiercely that it was just the exhaustion talking. Making one last quick read through what she’d come up with, she hesitated for a long moment, then sent it to Bingham with a brief note of what she’d come up with and why. Then she headed off for a couple of hours of shuteye while trying not to think about the events of the night before and failing.
     

     The Blackout Bravo lance had been sent out to investigate anomalous heat signatures that satellites had picked up in areas where there was no record of human habitation nor any small bases of any known military forces. Arriving on the scene they’d found old prefab metal buildings in an arroyo. While the shanty town had the air of a place long abandoned there’d been signs of a large number of people mustering for something, including vehicles and mechs. Unfortunately do recent rain the traces had been wiped enough that they could not determine what direction the unknown force had taken. They’d spent the rest of the day trying to locate the unknown force, but to no avail.

     That night while Jain had been on watch, an explosion had gone off in a distant fishing village. By the time they’d arrived all they’d discovered was that the town had been attacked, apparently by incendiaries, flamers and energy weapons. There were no survivors to be found and the local boats had gone missing. Hoping the boats had been taken by survivors of the village and not the unknown hostiles a message came through on the civilian frequencies from a neighboring village that reported signs of unknown mechs and people in boats.

     Dreading what they might find, they confronted an unknown lance of mechs as they came shoreward as the boats they’d been accompanying took off. There Lana had danced a dangerous line trying to keep the unknowns in place without alienating her lance or pissing off her commanding officers overly much. During that time she’d managed to pry out of the unknown mechwarriors that they belonged to the merc unit the Whirling Dervishes. A unit declared rogue by the MRBC, a fact that didn’t endear her to them when she brought up the matter. Then began a minor scuffle where she tried to delay the Dervishes more in the hopes of getting them to let something slip that she could work with.

To complicate matters she had Spyros muttering that something was wrong with the whole setup since their weapons didn’t match what had been used against the village. And once again she berated herself for not listening to her instincts that something stank to high heaven with regards to these mercs who were in mechs clearly meant for raiding.

With the aid of the Wailing Banshees, they fought the Dervishes, destroying two mechs, along with their pilots, and capturing the other two pilots. The next four hours were uneventful as they brought their captives back to base. Only to find the base was in a stage of pandemonium since apparently Mai-Lao and Westphalia had decided they were going to create a “polite fiction” to start a civil war against Lunzberg and the planetary government.
Deschain’s apparent glee at the situation sickened her and from what she could see, his reaction as he told them of the assassination attempts against the Dawn and the government caused the same reaction in the rest of her lance. Which finally led up to the analysis she’d just sent off to her CO, wondering if she’d just wasted everyone’s time with it and if she should bother with the more a more detailed examination and report.
As she slowly drifted off for a short nap, she wondered if she took another step down the path in her mother’s footsteps.

Blinders

October 2, 3072

Stupid stubborn male!

To act as if he’s the only capable of extracting intel from different sources…grr. Stupid. Granted Mueller has training in “intelligence” that most of us don’t. Intelligence! Ha! But that doesn’t mean the rest of us are useless when it comes to getting information despite the fact that Victor is a mini-Mueller in training and not all information can be gained from shady individuals that operate outside of the law.

After all, Jain has the knack of making striking up unusual friendships in the most unlikely places, and both Spyros and I have had dealing with nobles for a large portion of our lives. Factor in Deschain, even if most us aren’t entirely sure of the man, he does know what he’s doing in such things. So the gall of Mueller to imply that only he is capable of this with maybe asking for Victor’s help to get the drop on the Manei Atrocius is ridiculous.

It has to be testosterone poisoning. That’s all I can think of to result in such arrogance.

We need to setup a liaison with the Blakists for sharing of information gathered regarding the bombings that occurred during our mutual op tonight. I know that most of those in the Dawn don’t like or trust them, but they have as much, if not more, reasons than us to hunt down those responsible. And I doubt even Mueller in all of his pigheadedness will gainsay the abilities of their ROM operatives. Precentor Ding was definitely angered by the brutal acts. Yes, warfare is a brutal, ugly thing, but what was done last night to all involved was disgusting.

Though in a way how it was done was stupid. If the person who planned this had any brains and truly wanted to cause trouble it should only have been done when my lance was engaged with the Jolo Defense Force if only because of the history that my unit has had with the Blakists in the past, not including the fact they saved our hides on Lothan. Then factor in the fact there’s little love lost between most mercenaries and the Blakists in general, especially those mercs of the AMS, it wouldn’t have been that hard to drive a wedge of distrust between the Dawn and our new allies. Which makes me truly wonder if this really is the Bloody Hand and not one of the known factions trying to hide their work behind shadows and lies.

Unfortunately Spyros and Victor had influenced me a bit more than I had realized with regards to the Word of Blake. Fortunately I had squashed that bias by the time I started to speak privately with Precentor Ding so that I was able to have a cordial conversation with the man. And he did prove that not all of those in his group are insane zealots.

I need to be careful of bias from those I work with in the future.

The only “positive” aspect of the bombing was that it ended our engagement with the former FedCom troops fairly quickly. Sadly they still seem dead set against Nicholai’s offer of employment stating they feel he is a traitor. To what, I don’t know, but I have my suspicions.

Damn the Steiner-Davion brats for destroying the hard work of their grandmother and to some extent their parents.

Enough digressions.

The situation here is even worse than any of anticipated. And I have a feeling I may have sparked some of Mueller’s arrogance by responding with the fact we’re here and must deal with the situation when he said that had he known the Bloody Hand were here he would have talked Nicholai out of the contract. Somehow I don’t think he knows Nicholai as well as he thought. Or may not know all of the reasons why we’re here. This is more than just a job in the mind of my beloved, he sees a chance to repay a debt to a family that helped him get the startup for the Dawn as well as helping a planet in need.

I know all too well the desire to pay off one’s debts to one’s friends, even if they say there is no debt. And too I know the desire the help those in need when I have the ability to do something.

This is definitely going to be an interesting year.

How will I convince the others to make sure we aren’t missing all avenues of exploration with those responsible for the terrible acts done while my lance was making its assault drop? We need to make damn sure we aren’t putting blinders on.

Blinders could cost us a great deal.