Uncomfortably numb
October 28, 3072
As I write this I wonder what's gone wrong with me in mind and heart. Why have I gotten so numb? Is it because of the situation on this fucked up world? The feeling of near constant struggle with another looming up any time now? Is it the politics?
Wish I knew, then I might be able to do something.
God knows, the whole is insane enough here. Three factions at each other's throats trying to unify the world to their own ideals, terrorists of assorted stripes running around. One of the three factions clearly trying to set the other two off by adding to the atrocities the other terrorists have caused.
Funny, less than a year ago I would've welcomed such numbness, but now it, well I can't say it scares me. Because I don't feel scared, just...numb and maybe a little concerned.
Haven't talked much with Nicholai lately since the two of us have been so busy, perhaps it's for the best. Maybe if the relationship strains enough, he'll feel free to find someone who knows how to have non-fucked up relationships. If I could get rid of this feeling of my emotions wrapped up in a world of grey cotton I would remember what I feel for him.
Or maybe it's the upcoming op that's making me feel like this?
We captured the last of the Whirling Dervishes, they had the bad luck to join a merc unit through various reasons, mainly mercs that were down and out looking for work, lacking the reason and resources to look into their new employer, others were kids who didn't have a clue. And we finally found out their employer is none other than Margrave Rudolph Weitz of Westphalia. Apparently this man has the typical ego issues of a would-be despot believing his tech can make up for sloppy performance. He funneled money through various routes to fund and equip the Dervishes as part of his contract with them. They'd been hired to set Lunzberg and Mai-Lao at one another's throats through attacks on various civilian locations.
Maybe this is why I'm so numb, the disgust and outrage I'd normally be feeling would be overwhelming, it's my mind's way of protecting itself.
Sometime very soon we're going in to take out the Margrave, it's been reported he has Five assault class mechs, including a Fafnir he personally pilots. Even though it wasn't part of the orders from higher up, Bingham is sending in elements to free the force labor that bastard has working in his mines while Blackout Alpha and my own lance take out the Margrave. Fortunately he hasn't done what so many nobles have done in the past and used a civilian populace as armor.
Still going to be a tough battle and oddly enough Nicholai is going to be overall command on this op while Bingham is field commander. With the way I've been feeling, this is likely to be my opportunity to be an utter fuck up.
That's enough, Marlana.
Need to get some sleep, maybe in the morning I'll feel again.
As I write this I wonder what's gone wrong with me in mind and heart. Why have I gotten so numb? Is it because of the situation on this fucked up world? The feeling of near constant struggle with another looming up any time now? Is it the politics?
Wish I knew, then I might be able to do something.
God knows, the whole is insane enough here. Three factions at each other's throats trying to unify the world to their own ideals, terrorists of assorted stripes running around. One of the three factions clearly trying to set the other two off by adding to the atrocities the other terrorists have caused.
Funny, less than a year ago I would've welcomed such numbness, but now it, well I can't say it scares me. Because I don't feel scared, just...numb and maybe a little concerned.
Haven't talked much with Nicholai lately since the two of us have been so busy, perhaps it's for the best. Maybe if the relationship strains enough, he'll feel free to find someone who knows how to have non-fucked up relationships. If I could get rid of this feeling of my emotions wrapped up in a world of grey cotton I would remember what I feel for him.
Or maybe it's the upcoming op that's making me feel like this?
We captured the last of the Whirling Dervishes, they had the bad luck to join a merc unit through various reasons, mainly mercs that were down and out looking for work, lacking the reason and resources to look into their new employer, others were kids who didn't have a clue. And we finally found out their employer is none other than Margrave Rudolph Weitz of Westphalia. Apparently this man has the typical ego issues of a would-be despot believing his tech can make up for sloppy performance. He funneled money through various routes to fund and equip the Dervishes as part of his contract with them. They'd been hired to set Lunzberg and Mai-Lao at one another's throats through attacks on various civilian locations.
Maybe this is why I'm so numb, the disgust and outrage I'd normally be feeling would be overwhelming, it's my mind's way of protecting itself.
Sometime very soon we're going in to take out the Margrave, it's been reported he has Five assault class mechs, including a Fafnir he personally pilots. Even though it wasn't part of the orders from higher up, Bingham is sending in elements to free the force labor that bastard has working in his mines while Blackout Alpha and my own lance take out the Margrave. Fortunately he hasn't done what so many nobles have done in the past and used a civilian populace as armor.
Still going to be a tough battle and oddly enough Nicholai is going to be overall command on this op while Bingham is field commander. With the way I've been feeling, this is likely to be my opportunity to be an utter fuck up.
That's enough, Marlana.
Need to get some sleep, maybe in the morning I'll feel again.
posted by Reika at 6:55 AM
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